But By The Grace of God

I have long considered myself a Professional Mom. I tackle my career with ever bit of the zeal and energy a professional would tackle theirs. I spend my feel time learning, studying and developing new parenting skills. It is ultimately my life's work. I was born to be a wife and mother and therefore do not take these responsibilities lightly. I guess like most things in life after years of study I realize that even the most difficult subjects can be broken down into very simple components. I have learned that parenting is basically just a series of deposits and withdrawals. Daily budgeting and balancing make well balanced kids. If either deposits or withdrawals are misaligned then you have an accounting error. The ultimate goal is to have a nice healthy deposit income and to get your bills paid on time.

My dear friend as two high needs children. They were taken from a broken home and given to her in the most traumatic way, quickly and without warning. For several years she has struggled with these "broken" children. As they reach their teen years her struggles have escalated. She has poured structure, love and care into these children and yet their accounts remain in deficit. My heart breaks for her struggle as she anguishes over the fact that she doesn't have enough deposits in her heart to fill the deficit that is in theirs. She comes to me for counsel but I am lost to help. My theory of deposit and withdrawals doesn't help when the children are so deeply in debt. I know because I was once such a child. There is no bankruptcy for these child. It is the closest thing to despair I can imagine. It is where powerlessness meets hopelessness. Where will these children find help? Is there such thing as a "throw away" child? There are stories of children who "overcome" by shear willpower and the ability to accept help from those around them but I believe a majority of these children carry wounds that last a lifetime. How can we help? What can we do to come along side this little ones who carry so much pain? My weak recommendation came down to this. Spend time one on one each day. Lavish them with kind words. Say "yes" whenever you can. Make "deposits" whenever you can. Withdrawal when necessary to maintain order but be mindful of how many. Never compare them to "normal" kids. Listen to your "heart" as you "know" them better than anyone else. Don't parent to someone else's standard and take "help" when it is offered!

Ultimately, I walk away thankful that God has not chosen me to walk her path. I am grateful that my burdens are specially designed for me to carry. There is not a time that I don't leave our tearful talks that I don't whisper a silent prayer...But by the grace of God go I!

Her Children Rise Up and Call Her Blessed...

I watched an Oprah episode several years ago where she pulled from the audience random people and profiled their lives. I remember on this particular day she pulled a "retired" homemaker who had finished raising her children and now spent her days volunteering and caring for her home. What really stuck with me was that her original response to being chosen was that her life had nothing that would intrigue others. Just day in and day out ordinary life stuff but when profiled her life told the most beautiful story of self-sacrifice, devotion, peace and most of all love. True to her point nothing "intrigued." No drama, divorce, abuse just plain old fashioned love! This stuck with me primarily because as a young girl I had made a vow that I would live my life in this sacrificial way. I saw in her the heroine I had been searching for.

Each step of our life journey is a choice. Some run down the lane of life with reckless abandon and years later look back and wonder how they ended up at their destination. Others carefully choose each footstep looking up only once in awhile to double check their steps. Somewhere between the two is where I long to be. I tend to be more of a "slow stepper" and sometimes miss the beauty of the path and the freedom of wind blowing through my hair.

I think the Oprah Mom would probably label herself a slow stepper too. But I wonder, although her family sang her praises, raved about her sacrifice, and told of her love, would she retrace those same steps? Is it enough at the end of your life to know those around you rise up pleased, satisfied, and content? Will that be the fulfillment of your life's work? So here I am years later questioning my vow. I question in the way a professional, in a happy but mundane career, might question a potential job change. Distant, weighing risk and benefit, reviewing my resume, considering my talents and weaknesses. Is this where I will find "meaning" and "purpose?" I know in the end however, I will chose as I always have, to stay the course, resolutely trusting in the original goal. I purposely pluck out the arrows of greed and selfishness and instead trust the innocent child I once.